hunter

lately ive been very unhappy. im so confused i dont know what the hell im doing with myself. im being torn in a million directions and its a terrible fealing.I need to make things right but dont know how.

i dont know whether i am ok with where im at. sometimes im the happiest person ever then i relapse and i fucking hate my life. yesterday i did nothing but hang out with some freinds and do nothing but it was such a good day. i have more and more of those and im a WHOLE Lot happier than i used to be. but sometimes i feal like my life is a puzzle and there are alot of missing peices. i just want to find them,fix them. i have met so many people and changed so much but yet i feal hardly any of my freinds know me . but with out those changes id be a hell of alot more of a disaster than i am. the only regret is i lost one of the only freinds that i could talk to, one that saw me for who i was . i wish they could understand that i will always be there for them if they need me and i will always care no matter how much they hate me.

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: dinosaur jr

i fight a constant battle between me and myself. why is it so hard for me to just be normal. i am my own enamy. why cant i just let myself go.no matter how hard i try i cant get passed my fear of it. why cant i just trust someone enough to love them or trust them enough for them to love me.i cant let my gaurd down its to frightening to show people who i am completley. im scared. i have been burned to many times i dont think i could face it. I love the people i care about completly its just to hard to trust anyone to love me the same way because no one has ever. I HATE IT! everyone is so happy around me.im not jelouse and im glad they have special people in there lives to make them feal like no one else can make them feal.its not like i havnt had offers its just..... For once i want someone to make me feal that way.I am lonely. i dont even know who some of closest freinds are ive pushed them away. ive created enamysthat i dont want. i have no one that understands me. no one that i can talk to that understands.i am scared and lost

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: tegan and sara

to day i had a riding lesson with this jumping instruvtor from argentina. At the end of my lesson she was like i want you to come with me to florida for a week in the end of march and help show my husbands horses. I almost lost my shit. i was like you want me to do what. haha i am soooooooo exited:) you dont even know i have wanted to show on the winter circuit in florida since i started showing when i was 8yrs old. So many opertunities are going to come out of this one week of opertunity. My life is changing and i am so happy about it. one day i will be the best. Nothing or anyone can or will stand in the way of me reaching my goal of riding in the olympics.its all starting to come together for me finaly.

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: le teigre

lately ive kinda lost sight of everything.i drink way way to much i smoke to much. Actualy i think im turning into an alcoholic:( cause when ever im pissed or upset i start drinking. im trying to fix it. this passed weekend i was almost arrested for underage possesion of alcohol.yikes i was so scared. It kinda made me realize thats not what i want. I am happy though and thats what scares this shit out of me. I mean i found new freinds that r soooooo much fun. i dont want to loose the old ones but they dont approve of me now. I mean no one realy sees me. they just dont get that i change myself and i dont change for anyone else but ME.and never will. Im kinda overwhelmed in the boy department cause a couple of guys like me but i just dont have enough fealings for them to commit to a relationship. i just want to find a guy that i like as much as he likes me b/c im tired of guys being atracted to me and me not having the atraction enough to like them as much as they like me. who knows if i will ever find that probably not with the way my love life always goes but i hope to find it one day. for now i am alone and happy to be alone.
it was valentines day today and i didnt want a valentine. haha i guess im not normal oh well. but Blake my replacement brother made it a good day we had lots of fun eating stuffed french toast, shopping for shoes andshopping for his girlfreind. im glad i met a feind like him even if he is related to such a terrible person . my anti valentines day was the best even without a valentine to spend it with :)

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Bikini Kill

A couple of weeks ago i lost someone from my life.Im not going to lie it hurt especialy b/c i cared alot about them. The way they exited my life was painful. i dint think i would find another person like that for awhile. But... dunt dunt da i met this guy. he makes me laugh and smile. Hes realy nice unlike my previous track record of guys. i just hope my past freinds and decisions wont effect his opinion of me and stop any hope of anything more between us. I want to get to know him better and i realy like him .

Current Mood: giddy

I am very unhappy and sad. i am the only person who can fix this no matterhow everyone else tries or wants,grant it they can help, no one can make me happy but myself.i am going to work hard in getting better myselfbecause i hate that im so sad and negative all the time.i hope the people( myfreinds)i am around will be supportive of me because the one thing i truely need is to be around people that i have fun with.besides i dont think i have any tears left.

I go to court on tuesday for my recent run in with the law at 1:00 am. opps . i also get off being grounded.finaly its been like 2 1/2 months. i am going to spend this very special day learning how to have fun, smile and laugh again because i have a problem with these things. i am going to go with my freind will and take pictures. i have some new creative ideas and he , out of all of my freinds , respects and understands my art the most out of everyone i know. it will bee a good day.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: the elected

i got a new hair cut. its gone .ehh it looks ok.ok im warming up to the idea of it. i look artsy.
disregard my last entry i was depressed and i dont think that way any more everything iswonderfull. He gives me butterflies every time he kisses me.HE makes me feal special. Its nice.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Rilo Kiley

I went to a chinese resteraunt yesterday. the fortune cookie i got said that i need to be more optamistic because there is no other way. HHAhA this made me laugh, Things rarley ever do anymore,Because i am such a pesamist all the time. I have a bad habit of finding all the bad qualities in someone before i find the good. Ive vowed to myself that i am going to do my best to change to make me alot happier. Or aleast allow everyone else around me to stand me.

I am scared. I have never been in a committed situation where someone has not used me then left me to suffer alone. I cant help myself i am pessamist.I ask myself why hasnt it happened again. i wasnt good enough for the previous ones what makes me think id be good enough for HIM. Why would he want me when he could get some one prettier, not as dull, someone that is more fun.Sometimes i think he doesnt even want to be seen with me in public actual i think i know he doesnt. As i said i am a pessamist, i keep waiting to be kicked to the curb. I know That he doesnt know i feal this way. I need reasurance. I feal alone yet i know hes always there for me. i just wish he would tell me WHY he picks me.I wasnt good enough for him before why am i good enough now.I wish he would tell me that he cares and i am the only one.He just assumes that i know. I m tired of letting people down, I dont mean to. It just seems to happen. is that why i cant keep any one in my life for long(freinds, peers,BF,)I dont know anymoreI dont think i everdid.I guess im wondering kinda waiting for it to happen Nothing will ever be the same.I hate seasonal depression

I need to stop doing this to myself

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Bright Eyes

What will happen to me when I "Grow up" do people ever realy grow up.Im scared to grow up. I will loose the people that i have called my "freinds" for ever. I realy dont think i will miss the majority of these people because they seem to create emotional turmoil for me anyway i go about my life. I dosent matter to me whether i keep them or not. I love heather but thats about the only person that i would want to keep in touch with. But sometimes i dont think she wants to talk to me when i leave. She will be satisfied with Bianca and Mike(who she will get).I am finaly content and happy i see him and he makes everything better. And when im not riding in a lesson jumping my horse makes me as happy as i am when im with him.

Current Mood: content

In our lives we hit a point where we dont know who we are. We feel like we need change but what we realy need is to love ourselves and then maybee it will be easier for others to love us. it easier said than done .

Current Mood: numb

today it rained does it ever stop VA BEACH IS NOT A FUCKING RAINFOREST.The rain complicates my life although i like it when its convinient. i visited a whale today although it was very dead.i feel like today was very unproductive. whatch out for the killer snails everyone they will get you!

Current Mood: grumpy
Current Music: Hey Jude

if you were to alter yourself one person would they notice? we change our selves so that others will be impressed. Sometimes i feel that we are all lemmings running ourselves over a cliff repeatedly. Is that what our lives are really about?its kind of sad. Looking good for someone just to be let down and run of a cliff(like the lemmings). Its bound to happen too someone sometime in our lives.Is it possible that males go through the same anxiety and cycle of doubt and let down as females do? We are all trying to find ourselves just some our paths go off course and need to be redirected. I feeling in the need some redirection.

Current Mood: confused